In This Life

It is almost impossible to fathom the idea that sometime in the next 96 hours Tyler and I will be parents. I mean, we've been parents for the last nine months, but holding and tending to Morgan outside of the womb is an entirely different experience.

I think we are both dealing with the approaching birth in different ways. I can't really speak for Tyler, but I've watched him go through 'nesting' more so than myself in the last week. I had to giggle when I walked through the kitchen on Wednesday night and found him standing in front of our pantry, which was completely empty. Boxes of food scattered on the sink board, I asked him what he was doing. Now, mind you, this was at 10:00p; he replied that he had, "bought more stuff and wanted to organize it." I just stood there, looking at him, as he replied, "What?!?" I didn't have to say it, he knew that his nesting instincts were kicking in. As he prepared for work last night he asked me 'not to call him unless I went into labor' because his nerves were so on edge, so he's definately dealing with some emotions and instincts in terms of Morgan's arrival.

Myself, I'm trying to maintain balance between preprations to be a mother and preprations to have a substitute. It's really pulling at my heartstrings, but I have to face it that I am an adult and have various responsibilities that I need to juggle in order to maintain order. I'm working hard, though, to make sure that my priority as a mother is #1, though. I had vented my emotions regarding such emotions a while back to another young mother who is an elementary school teacher and she relayed some wisdom shared with her when she had her child, "You can be a great teacher and a good mom or a great mom and a good teacher." The past three years of my life I've fumbled with the roles of teacher, wife, and indivdual so that I'd almost found a balance that left my life in a sense of order and given me the time with Tyler and the time to myself that I needed to be the teacher I want(ed) to be and maintain sanity. Now, it's time to throw another role in the mix, perhaps the most important role an individual can ever hold- parent.

Tyler and I have talked endlessly on goals, plans, etc. regarding our roles as parents. Now, all of these ideas and plans are going to be tested as they are put into action. As is typical, I fear failure but accept that it will happen, finding comfort in the fact that I have such a strong, loving partner to share in the experience with.

At this point, I can handle reducing my standards to being a 'good' teacher if that means more time, attention, and focus on our child. Putting that into action though, will be the test. So, here I sit, less than 48 hours before inducing labor- considering the to-do list before me and wanting to balance preprations for my leave of absence and preprations for my new task in life- raising a child. I want to reflect, to consider the experiences and events in my life that have lead me to this point...

The point in my life where I never even imagined the desire to birth a child to the moment where I anticipate the experience being the greatest accomplishment of my life.

The point in our marriage where our love becomes so tangible, having created a child who can bask and grow in that love and the support of her parents.

The point in our lives where our priorities, dreams, and desires shift and shape into not only visions of ourselves in the future but those same aspirations for our child.

It's just... amazing. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, joy, and experiences that are sure to come in the next few days- not to mention the rest of our lives.

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